Feeling Vulnerable...Well I guess I will bring this discussion over here....

Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 7759
Location: IN CREATORS HANDS, NORTHERN CA. Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 11:01 pm
Post subject : Feeling vulnerable

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So as of yesterday I am no longer the General Secretary of my home group.
I also gave up my Monday night newcomers meeting, even tho I LOVED it,
I can't hog it, we must rotate, thats how it works.

So for the first time since I got sober in 2002, I have no comittment.
I feel frightened. I'm a bit crabby and depressed. Feeling vulnerable.

It's not that I can't get another one, and I'm sure I will, it's just like God has
me in a time out.

I went to a new women's meeting tonight close to my house and it was great.
I also went to a new meeting last night. It is uncomfortable to go to new
meetings alone. Being uncomfortable is a good thing for me right now.

Just not too uncomfortable.

I guess I do have a comittment here don't I? Well that helps.

I have also agreed to go to a recovery house every Friday evening
to take a whole group of women through the steps. That is a pretty big
comittment... plus I have my regular sponsees, hmmmm nevermind

So I guess I'm moody just "because". Feels like somethings coming.
The calm before the storm. I don't care for it much at all. Is it chemical?
Or is it spiritual? Something is out of balance, I feel it strongly but can't
put my finger on it. I do know that these were the types of feelings that
sent me fleeing to the bottle in the past. That impending doom sensation.
Luckily for Jim he is working tonight so I can't be a total bitch to him.

Yeah a couple of drinks could sure make these icky feelings go away.

I choose to sit in my discomfort. I choose to not pick up a drink.
I have talked to others in the program today, I have a call into my sponsor.
I went to a meeting. I will eat some food and pray. I will spend some
quiet time, phone off, writing, then I will sleep. That is a good plan.

I don't ever have to drink again, even if I want to. Feels nice to take my own advice.


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emptysoul1
Member



Joined: 24 Oct 2006
Posts: 349
Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 11:37 pm
Post subject :

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hey pink not sure what to say....so i will just say love ya


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baydon
Site Admin



Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 2343
Location: North Carolina Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 12:00 am
Post subject : Re: Feeling vulnerable

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pinkcloudtracy wrote:


Yeah a couple of drinks could sure make these icky feelings go away.




Ha, ha .. yeah that's true .. take 'em away and replace them with a sh*t load of other way more icky feelings!! .. not your best thinking

You're just having a few separation anxieties .. separated from doing it your way and having to have a little patience while you wait for your next assignment ... you don't have to go out and make them happen you know .. they will happen just fine God's way

How's long's it been now since you unloaded those other commitments? 2 days? Yeah, that's long enough to start freaking .. you're so funny sometimes!

"Be still and know ... " .. give it a few more days

I love you


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(now a re-sponsorable member of society with a great big smile!)




pinkcloudtracy
Site Admin



Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 7759
Location: IN CREATORS HANDS, NORTHERN CA. Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 12:26 am
Post subject :

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Of course your right Baydon... thanks for the perspective.

Anyway, God has already started me back into my book "Raya, the little ray of light"

I've been coloring pixies, fairies and angels all evening, not to mention trying
to figure out how to animate a little girl sunbeam talking to Father Sun.

Maybe it's time for this book to be finished, THAT would be exciting,
considering I wrote it like 6 years ago!

It's a sweet little children's story with a great big message.

I'm more worried about Tammy drinking than me, she says everytime she relapses,
someone close to her dies NO DRINKING TAMMY! (just in case)


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baydon
Site Admin



Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 2343
Location: North Carolina Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 12:55 am
Post subject :

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Did you ever read this little story?

http://www.12stepradio.com/community/viewtopic.php?t=5521&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

I think it would make a nice illustrated little book too.

Now I think I will try to get some sleep .. maybe tonight I will turn in before Sunflower starts a morning post

Love you Pink, you too Sunflower


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Sunflower
Member



Joined: 10 Nov 2008
Posts: 329
Location: Here (and) in The Netherlands Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:48 am
Post subject :

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Hey Pink

So there are some changes, eh....
Yep....that can be 'strange' or difficult to deal with.

You sure made me laugh (in a niced way!) when you said you have no
commitments at all... haha.... but I guess you can laugh at that
too in the meantime.

To me it looks like God needs you also on other 'commitments/places'...

And well.... you can be moody, once in a while just make sure
you flush afterwards

(but looks like you already did )


Love ya woman.... you are a true inspiration!


Sending you a truckload of hugs


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Sunflower
Member



Joined: 10 Nov 2008
Posts: 329
Location: Here (and) in The Netherlands Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:59 am
Post subject :

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baydon wrote:
Did you ever read this little story?

http://www.12stepradio.com/community/viewtopic.php?t=5521&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=



I did now!!! What a wonderful story....!

Something to copy and save on my puter.... NO!!! I gonne print it out...




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Wyserheart214
Member



Joined: 04 Jun 2006
Posts: 1914
Location: Where ever God needs me to be.... Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:19 pm
Post subject :

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Hey Kiddo, I find one of the joys of the new lives we lead is that sometimes God spins us around so that we head in a different direction....although recovery must be first and formost in our lives, we were not given a new chance at life to stay in one place.

There is definately a difference between staying in the moment, and being stuck in the mud....

I have watch Kater during my sobriety and noticed her doing some new adventures often....more graphic arts, now theater, she is a source of encouragement to me, just as you have been to me in my recovery.

You are very talented, God has given you some beautiful gifts, that although you have worked with them, have you brought them as far as you would like too?

I can think of your thoughts for today columns we read here, your stories, the albums you want to finish....

You need to think about some other things, you are an excellent speaker and teacher...(think about the marble activity) you make things easy to understand for a whole bunch of folks just learning to deal with their feelings.....I feel you would be an excellent speaker at national, or international conventions.....or counseling others?

God did not clear your schedule to clean the garage.....I think the fairys are waiting to teach you to fly a little.....come on my sister...be all that you can be.....I believe in you...


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Debbie
I believe.....
My MySpace URL: myspace.com/wyserheart214

Pink, I couldn't figure out what you were talking about and then I figured it out ... I can't take credit for moving the thread 'cos I didn't do it .. I assume it was Deb .. but I agree with the rest of your post.

Thank you Debbie.

I don't think we'll lose our pearls to the swine .. don't be too anxious, yet

Welcome, I didn't want anyone to think we couldn't take our ball and go elsewhere. People like the ones that attacked our board assume they can do these things to the weak, I felt like if we continued our conversations, we would feel less weak.....and it would encourage our family to continue....

No big deal my friend..but I would like to to read and consider the ideas I wrote...maybe you have already thought of them, maybe they aren't your cup of tea, but I have great faith in you Pink...I feel you have great talent....and you have a great opportunity to stretch your legs.....tell me what you think, even if you hate the ideas...K?

wyserheart214 wrote:

You need to think about some other things, you are an excellent speaker and teacher...(think about the marble activity) you make things easy to understand for a whole bunch of folks just learning to deal with their feelings.....I feel you would be an excellent speaker at national, or international conventions.....or counseling others?

God did not clear your schedule to clean the garage.....I think the fairys are waiting to teach you to fly a little.....come on my sister...be all that you can be.....I believe in you...

Wouldn't that be just awesome? How does one break into the business of being a
public speaker? Especially in a spiritual way, like I don't know that I'd fit in at the
Lions club

I did join a writers group and am working on Raya the little ray of light... have I
shared that with you? Haven't decided if it's a kids book or a grown up book...
it's kinda in the middle.

Jim registered for college today and I find myself jealous, how creepy is that?
I made a comittment to take care of Paige and my daughters schedule changes
from month to month so I can't take classes (except at night).

I have wanted my thoughts for today in a book since I started them. My inability
to freakin cut and paste those pages together has been nightmarish for me.
I've started so many times, I have them scattered all over the damn place,
Someone agreed to do it for me and then relapsed and vanished.

I was NEVER meant for organizing, all I know how to do is create stories.
Communicate. I'm not a paper, cubical, file cabinet person. God just didn't create
me like that, but He also hasn't put anyone in my life that really is capable and
wants to help me do it. I need an editor, I need an assistant, I need a tissue

I'm a mess

Here I am God... now what?

God love you...cuz we do....did you realize the community colleges have online classes? I have taken several of them and enjoyed them immensely..(college in your Jammies is very cool)

As far as being a speaker......You would be great at womens recovery retreats, working with meditation groups and youth in recovery......in the beginning you could ask for a donation, or that they cover your travel....Ask someone who is a motivational speaker... They may help you get pulled into the airstream.



Pray and believe, that all I can tell you....Take a leap of faith, we all did that when we began this journey, sometimes total surrender means you take both hands off the wheel I don't know my friend, but I feel you may be needing to spin the arrow on the lifes game, stand up and once again take God's hand...

I'm not saying it is time to leave the patio on a wild adventure....Jim would be hunting me.... but my gut says you are meant to have this time to at least explore the possibilities....

I don't know, I may be crazy , but it is just the feeling I have.....Only God knows..... Shall be pose a question? How about some other thoughs here?



P.S. ask Jen about RYLA and the speakers they had there...