New member..... (LOL)

and will check-check-check-it out!

Hi, glad you found this site too

I just logged in to see if there were any posts and there you were

Yep! Arrived to stay

Did some chat. Whohoo.... all by and with myself....
Not much fun though (just me, myself and I) but... will waiting... for you guys (and gals)

What was that




oh well... better to just
or I get

Thank you for not breaking my anonimity .. I do like to maintain a little bit of mystery ... Baydon

pinkcloudtracy wrote:

Hey are you able to see pictures here Sunflower?

Hi Pink... yessss... I see that lovely picture of yours!!!!!

(weird isn't it hah? in here I do and on the other I don't....???)

Hey Barrabus... what's happened??!! lol

Are you doing okay???

You make ME confused!

Baydon wrote:

Thank you for not breaking my anonimity .. I do like to maintain a little bit of mystery ... Baydon

Uhmmm... are you talking to the voices in your head Baydon?

Or am I just loosing it. Could be I guess....

My computer wouldn't let me get on 12 step radio... so I automatically switched to paranoid mode and decided I was banned for saying something I shouldn't have... of course I know that not to be true intellectually... I still feel like that... I have learned to recognize my disease through working the twelve steps and to not believe the lies that my disease tells me... and trust that these feelings shall pass... actually they are gone now... now wasn't that easy... all I had to do was write it down here and now it's gone... wish it was always that easy...

the voices in my head aren't very nice ... they are trying to kill me ... they tell me it's OK to have a drink ... or light a cigarette ... smoke a little dope ... they tell me I'm cured ...
I have tools now to help me... ... ... I feel better now...

Hey Barrabus... just red your post... you are a true writer man!

Ever thought of writing a book? With or without smileys....

Thanks... funny you should ask... I used to write a lot and I've had this story going thru my head for years... I wrote about two chapters back in the mid 80's ... I am now working on re-writing those two chapters and continueing where I left off... A friend of mine just downloaded some programs on my computer that will help me store everything and go back to it when I have time... what you said kinda gave me a boost when I needed it... thanks...

I've noticed it before. Glad I've said it then.

It's a talent you know.

Hope to get to read something of you. Somehow.. someday...?!!

I'll make sure to get you a copy... (free of charge , I'll even pay the postage) ... thanks for the encouragement... I'd better get busy...

What is that little guy saying anyway...

I hate to sound superstitious, (but) ... I finally started writing on that book after years of talking about it... I typed from about 7:00 PM to around 1:00 AM and I was just about to go to sleep... I was turning my computer off etc... and I heard this terrible crashing noise and I looked out of the bunkhouse and realized there had been a terrible accident... it was a miracle no one was killed... no one was even injured... mostly monetary damage and pride... a few people lost their jobs over the deal... and I didn't get any sleep for the next three days while we tried to fix everything... now I'm afraid to start writing again... it's been a couple of weeks since the accident and I haven't typed a word... ... (will someone please tell them to shut up)

I love the way fear is described as a corrosive thread woven into the very fabric of our existance... in the big book (AA)...

I know this fear has no reason to exist... I've always been afraid for no reason... all my life... fear of failure/fear of success... fear of trying... fear of living my whole life and not trying,... that one's the biggie

I used to be more creative... I used to write... did a lot of art work... played music etc... then I started drinking and using and all those talents kinda faded away... I want them back... where did they go?... I read in a Stephen King novel... (I think it was the fifth one in the Gunslinger series)... he had included some of his memoirs in the back of the book... I was sick of AA at the time... had about three years sober and had been reading nothing but AA literature and the Bible for three years... I was going to rebel and read a Stephen King book... no AA literature this time... I was going to take a break... So I went to the rig for my four day hitch with only a couple of Stephen King books... well I read more AA s**t those four days than I'd read in quite a while... An alcoholic / Priest / Vampire ... running a shelter and giving AA meetings on skid row if I remember right... anyway... I could tell by some of the language used that the author had to have done more than a little research on the subject... so at the end of the book there were these memoirs... I got to reading them and I read where Stephen K. was saying he had lost his ability to write after he had quit drinking... some of his AA buddies were assuring him that this would pass.... and then as the memoirs progresses he shared how his career boomed... now he just mentioned AA very discreetly a couple of times and used a few terms like I am responsable in a few instances that really got me... being the paranoid that I am I understood ...

Now I realize that this is the level of press radio and films... is it wrong for me to share this treasure I found in a Stephen King book with this forum... am I breaking his annonymity? ... I hope not... my point is reading that in that circumstance when I was trying to not read about God or AA still gives me hope in that God is real, that was more than a coincidence... and maybe this creative blackout will end... I don't claim to have the talent that Mr King has ... I am saying I was inspired by whatever inspired him to include that in the exact books I was reading on the exact days I had purposely left all my AA literature at home... I think it was the fourth and fifth books of the series... or maybe I just imagined the whole thing... maybe I just had a paranoid delusion and this vampire priest started quoting the big book and I started dreaming ... no ... it was really weird... like me I guess...

I have yet to meet anyone else that read that though... I've talked about reading it a few times on 12 step radio forum but I've never had anyone else confirm that the memory is real... how did I get on this subject anyway? I was talking about something totally differant when I started... oh well... I had to get it out...

((Barrabus))... where do I begin.... ???

I begin herewith: and

And let me please scream at that little voice who seems to holding you back!
Why? What are you afraid of Barrabus?
You started off already....feeling good about it....and 'only' thing is you got to
continue where you left...

Okay... easy said by me... I know - I know.
If I'm honest I look like you... starting (enthousiastic) at something... but then...
the continue part....

What I think is that all your talents not faded away, only they are 'backed off'
and waiting to get released. And you have to do that. I am sure that, with a
little help from above, you can.
Your book doesn't have to be finished 'right away' so remember... easy does
it (but do it).

I love what you told about your Stephen King reading! I had that kind of
experience too some time ago. Sick of reading the literature (NA in my case)
and took a bath with 'a normal' book - The Zahir, from Paulo Coelho...
LOL.... and reading all kind of 'program stuff.'
Don't you think it was 'supposed to be'....?
Well... whatever...

my dear - and it's time you take that as a fact.

Hope you turn on that computer of yours and let it fload....
One day at a time....
I'm convinced you're really talented Barrabus and hope, for yourself, you
give yourself and your book a try!


Knuffel! and faith for/in you!

Miriam

This is great, eh. Chat box works well, but I was chatting with myself. Hummm! I think I need a meeting...